1
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:31,560
mama, you are the sweetest person
in the world
2
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:38,960
mama, the sweetest person
in the whole world
3
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:43,600
WHEN SHE ISN'T THERE
4
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,480
what I know about mothers:
5
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,840
Are you recording this?
-I am.
6
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,560
He doesn't even tell us.
7
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,160
my sisters
8
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,080
I think it's 28 June.
9
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,960
The day she died.
10
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,840
I was six.
Roxy was four.
11
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,640
I was five, I think.
-Were you five?
12
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,800
Then you must have been seven.
-No, I was almost seven.
13
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,200
I never remember.
-It's June and July.
14
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:14,800
Yes, one is her birthday,
the other is the day she died.
15
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,480
The day she was born and the day...
-Exactly, the day she died.
16
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,240
What are you thinking?
17
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:59,640
Well...
18
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,640
I'm thinking lots of things.
19
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:18,080
But it's hard to talk about something
we don't know.
20
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,080
That's what I've found.
21
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,040
Hey.
-Hi, buddy.
22
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:35,240
If you had to describe a mother
to someone who has no idea...
23
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,880
what would you say?
24
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:42,000
To me, it was someone who...
25
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,160
who was always there for you.
26
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,200
she is always there for you
27
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,080
Nice question.
28
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:58,080
It makes me think of home.
29
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:02,760
I associate 'mother'
with being home, coming home.
30
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,520
How would I describe a mother
to someone who has no idea?
31
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:11,440
It's this connection with the person
who brought you into this world.
32
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,600
This makes her different from a father.
33
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,680
she brings you into the world
34
00:06:58,560 --> 00:06:59,960
Mother.
35
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:18,080
she looks at you in a particular way
36
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:28,960
Did your family take many videos?
Do you have much home video material?
37
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,160
There is exactly one video.
38
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:43,000
Could I see it some time?
-Sure.
39
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,240
Peekaboo.
40
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,200
Don't do that.
41
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:59,640
what I know about my mother:
42
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:07,080
It's nice and warm here, isn't it?
-Yes, it's warm.
43
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,880
It's all part of the film, of course.
44
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,400
my father
45
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:23,720
The reason I think I've found it
is that there's a photo frame...
46
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,240
with a photo of her.
47
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,160
Do you remember what colour
the photo album was?
48
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,680
No.
49
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,880
Are you still there, Dad?
50
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,360
Is it okay if I take one with me?
51
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,960
To Utrecht?
-Yes, but you will give it back, right?
52
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,000
I will.
But I want to look at it in peace.
53
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,520
Hi, Wieke.
-Hello, dad.
54
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,680
I...
55
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:55,560
I'm completely stuck right now.
56
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,680
And...
57
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:05,400
I find that I'm just so afraid...
58
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:10,240
I'm so afraid to look for her.
59
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,440
And I'm suddenly overwhelmed.
60
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:03,040
But are you talking about being afraid
or being sad?
61
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,840
Or both?
-Maybe I am...
62
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:12,680
I've been going around in circles...
63
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:17,680
and I find myself evading the issue,
and that's just...
64
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,280
Maybe I'm just...
65
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:27,200
Well, maybe I'm afraid
to really face up to the loss.
66
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:34,880
And would you like to face up to it?
-Yes, I would.
67
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:40,920
Yes, because every time
I see or watch something...
68
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,120
I just feel a lot of sadness.
69
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:52,400
A kind of wave that just washes over me
and destroys everything.
70
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,640
And I want that to stop.
I just want...
71
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,200
Well, I just want
to be able to look at her.
72
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,720
what I know about my mother:
73
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:41,240
my mother had long brown hair
74
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:07,000
my mother had a beautiful smile
75
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:06,040
Shall I just take out some things
and show them?
76
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,000
Is that a good idea?
77
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,400
That's fine.
78
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:18,840
This is one of... This is a dress
that she liked to wear.
79
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,280
Is that a boilersuit or something?
80
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:36,600
I think it's a coat or a trouser suit.
-I think it's a trouser suit.
81
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:47,000
my mother had a cool...
82
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:52,280
a fashionable style
83
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:15,520
She used this for her daily stuff,
for teaching...
84
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,120
at the Skinner college.
85
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,080
A leather bag.
86
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,080
Stop it.
87
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,160
Is it hard for you?
Do you want me to stop filming?
88
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,680
Don't film this.
89
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:48,440
my mother was a French teacher
90
00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:02,400
my mother isn't there
91
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,640
What are you carrying with you?
What is it?
92
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:46,080
What I see before me is a very large bag
full of granite or something.
93
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:51,520
Very heavy lumps of granite.
Dark, heavy, cumbersome.
94
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200
Hard to break into pieces.
95
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,800
Because it's so solid.
-That's right.
96
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:02,640
And if you were to lift it over your head
and drop it on a concrete surface...
97
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,640
would it burst?
98
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,000
I think it could burst.
99
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:19,000
Then I'll lose
something very important somehow.
100
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,840
The little I have about her.
101
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:25,200
No, that's impossible. You can't lose
what you got from your mother.
102
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,880
Your whole body was built this way.
103
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:32,920
You can't lose that.
104
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,440
Come, Loulou.
It's bedtime, let's go upstairs.
105
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,240
Give Mummy a kiss.
Then we'll go upstairs.
106
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,640
Come.
107
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,960
On the bed.
108
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:45,040
Say bye to Mummy.
-Bye.
109
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:21,520
I think this is the only, or one of the few
photos in which she is emotional.
110
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,240
Maybe that's just what I want.
111
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:30,280
Because I'm in it too.
-What I see, is that it's all good.
112
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,080
From her point of view.
It's all good.
113
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:42,440
So very...
You were the apple of her eye.
114
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,720
You meant the world to her.
You were what mattered most to her.
115
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:53,760
I don't have concrete examples,
but you were everything to her.
116
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:14,320
Hey, do you think that is normal behaviour?
117
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,200
Hey, Wieke, Wieke, Wieke.
118
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,280
Hey, Wieke, Wieke, Wieke.
119
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,600
Wieke.
-Yes.
120
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,520
You'll break the camera.
121
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:51,960
Can the camera handle that, Michel? Hey?
-Yes.
122
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,640
Where?
123
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:15,520
Here.
124
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,800
Did you smash your head against the wall?
125
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:42,120
but she was there
126
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:56,680
A deep sigh.
127
00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,760
Here.
-You can take it now.
128
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,400
I want it like that too.
-Oh, come on.
129
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:09,480
What does it matter?
You're acting like a baby.
130
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,280
You're acting like a baby.
131
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,240
Yes, but then there's this look.
132
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:51,360
Cut that too.
-Do you want me to cut it for you?
133
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,480
Here you go.
-Here.
134
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,880
You can take it now.
-I want it like that too.
135
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:06,040
Oh, come on. What does it matter?
You're acting like a baby.
136
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,720
Now eat up.
I want to go to the city.
137
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,960
'Please, dear Mummy.'
138
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,360
I need boots.
139
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:59,000
First, you need a nappy,
then trousers and socks.
140
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,520
And then boots.
141
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,720
You're in luck.
142
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:04,800
for my mother